Ten Secrets to Creating a Beautiful and Unforgettable Wedding Ceremony

Couples of all ages want a wedding ceremony that speaks to their unique values, beliefs, and life circumstances. Beyond a few inspired ideas, most are at a loss about how to put it all together. Reverend Judith Johnson, Ph.D., is author of The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day. As an interfaith minister, she has designed and officiated hundreds of wedding ceremonies. Here are her ten top secrets to the ceremony of your dreams:

1. Remember that your wedding ceremony is a sacred ritual and the most important part of your wedding day.

The marriage ceremony is rich with traditions that cross cultural boundaries and date back to ancient times. If a contemporary marriage ceremony does not include this sacred dimension, it runs the risk of being little more than the creation of a legal union. Like digging a well to tap into the aquifer, a ceremony that draws upon the sacred dimension connects a couple into the mystery of two becoming one - the presence of love in the human heart that has served as the foundation for all human society.

With all the hype and commercialism in the wedding industry, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that the ceremony – the actual pledge of one’s self into the union of marriage with one’s partner - is what the day is all about. A heartfelt wedding ceremony celebrates your love and serves as an inspiration for your families and friends, reminding them that there is nothing more important in our lives than the loving we share.

2. The wedding ceremony is also a theatrical production and YOU are the producers/directors.

A seamless wedding ceremony is a carefully choreographed production. This theatrical dimension of the marriage ritual requires balancing the creation of a meaningful ceremony with careful attention to all the details. Thinking everything through ahead of time and having a thorough rehearsal allows the members of the wedding party to confidently perform their parts, which will make the ceremony appear effortless to your guests.

It is important that you take charge, and not be afraid to speak up, even if you think you are clueless about what to do. If you have advisors, let them guide you through what decisions you need to make and what your alternatives are, but don’t let them make decisions for you. You are the boss. Even if you have a bridal consultant, be sure that all decisions affecting the ceremony are made by you.

If you are designing your own ceremony, rather than having a traditional religious ritual, you have tremendous freedom to "have it your way." However, there are so many tiny details to attend to, and no matter how much you delegate, you are the ones who must take charge to ensure that you create the ceremony you really want. Be sure to think through such things as:

• Choosing your exact ceremony location and, if it is outdoors, having a well thought out Plan B in place for inclement weather.
• Thinking through the ceremony layout, including such things as:
• Detailing where your family members and honored guests will sit, always taking into account such things as unfriendly, divorced parents.
• Avoiding seating guests in the blazing sun or having the sun in the eyes of the officiant.
• How will your wedding party, the officiant, the couple, and musicians be situated in relationship to each other and your guests?
• Will you be having a Bride’s side and a Groom’s side and who, if anyone, will be seating your guests and how would you like that done?
• Exactly how do you want to do your Processional and Recessional?
• Will you be having a receiving line? If so, who will be in it and where will it be?

Remember that this is a wonderful opportunity for you to create the wedding that is just right for you as a couple. Take the time to enjoy the process. Hopefully, this will be your one and only marriage and a true celebration of the two of you and the love you share.

3. A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.

The rules governing the content of a wedding ceremony are those of the church and state. Religious traditions all have their own specific way of performing the wedding ceremony and may or may not be open to the idea of personalizing the ceremony for individual couples. State laws specify such things as the minimum age for brides and grooms, the need for a qualified officiant, and the speaking of vows in front of witnesses.

When a couple is getting married outside of the auspices of a particular religious tradition, they are free to customize their ceremony as long as they honor the laws of the state where they are getting married. Hopefully those designing their own ceremony will be guided by good taste and sensitivity to their guests, while allowing themselves the freedom to personalize their ceremony.

Creating a wonderful ceremony is a matter of balancing the opportunity for expressing your uniqueness with the comfort of the common ground of tradition. Going too far in one direction or the other creates a ceremony that is memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition. For example, when presenting ceremonial elements in my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner, I chose to loosely follow the structure of the wedding ceremony found in the Book of Common Prayer, since eighty percent of Americans are Christian. That is why this common root of Christian wedding ceremonies is so familiar to most people. It also provides a logical sequence of events that allows the ceremony to crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, the final blessing, pronouncement, and the kiss. I have found that when this flow is interrupted by the inclusion of other elements, it can be awkward and too unusual for the majority of guests. I recommend that couples put their signature on their ceremony in the content of the elements they choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

4. Make sure you and your ceremony officiant have a comfortable working relationship.

The role of the officiant in a traditional religious ceremony is governed in large part by the rules of that religion, while an interfaith minister has much more freedom to customize your ceremony with you. However, remember that you get to choose who marries you, and it is very important that you have a comfortable working relationship with him or her. Our job as clergy is to guide you and to serve you, and some of us do a better job of that than others. I have heard horror stories about officiants who refused to attend or direct the wedding rehearsal or to go beyond their own prefabricated ceremony format when they had the option to do so.

It is not uncommon for couples to be intimidated by members of the clergy, not realizing that we are normal people too. We have personalities, and strengths and weaknesses in how we perform our jobs, just like everyone else. You are entitled to an officiant who truly cares about you and wants to help you to create the wedding ceremony that is right for you, even if it means he or she needs to go above and beyond the call of duty. You may need to shop around to find the right person, but it is well worth the effort.

5. Allow your ceremony to be unique, but not a cliché.

Some couples try too hard to be unique, and end up including elements in their ceremony that are either disappointing, cliché or offensive to some of their guests. Here are several examples:

• A couple planned to have butterflies released during their recessional. Unfortunately, when the Chinese takeout containers were opened, half the butterflies were dead.
• One very emotional bride insisted on reading three long poems she had written expressing her love for her mother, her deceased father, and the groom. It felt as though she was showcasing her poetry, rather than focusing on getting married. A better solution would have been to include her poems in the printed ceremony program.
• At one wedding, doves were released. It was a lovely sight until the doves flew right over the guests and delivered several undesirable deposits.
• A groom, accompanied by his rock band, played a song for his bride in the middle of the ceremony. This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.
• Some couples want to include their pets in the ceremony. While cute, this may be considered offensive and disrespectful to many guests. An alternative would be to have the pet accompany the couple when they are first introduced at the reception or to stand with them in the receiving line.

6. Be very clear about the time and location of your ceremony.

Some people believe that weddings never start on time. However, most couples plan the time of their reception based upon the assumption that their ceremony will start on time. Remember, the later past schedule your ceremony starts, the more time and money you will lose on your reception. It is a good idea to either be very clear that your ceremony will start on time, or build in a time cushion by scheduling the start time fifteen minutes before you actually plan to begin. Just be careful not to put those who arrive on time in the position of having to wait too long.

• Consider the couple who refused to bring timely closure to an element of their ceremony that invited guests to share their anecdotes and best wishes. The ceremony ran an hour and a half instead of half an hour, resulting in the very tired guests being served cold food when they finally arrived at the brunch reception.

Similarly, it is important to give your guests clear information about your ceremony location. Some couples choose locations that are aerobically challenging or simply inaccessible to elderly or physically challenged guests - including women in high heels. Be sure to include an excellent map and directions with your invitations. Also, strategically place signs, balloons or ushers to guide your guests to the wedding site. Another good idea is to provide the cell phone number of someone willing to serve as a contact person for guests who get delayed or lost.

• At one wedding, we were delayed an hour because the mother of the bride took a wrong turn and got terribly lost.

Give your family and friends the gift of a ceremony that starts on time, at a user-friendly, easy to reach site.

7. Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than fifteen to twenty minutes. In my experience, a ceremony that runs much longer than that runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests. For example, if you include more than two readings by guests or members of the wedding party, it is not uncommon to loose the attention of your guests. Including too many ceremonial elements or being too wordy will have the same effect.

8. Just breathe. Be present. Be joyful.

Your wedding ceremony is when you will first see all of your guests and they will see you. It is not uncommon for this to be a bit overwhelming or anxiety producing. I have seen many a couple come before me with terrified smiles plastered on their faces and no air moving through their bodies. That’s when I remind them "Just breathe." It is so simple, yet sometimes challenging for a couple to let go of any and all concerns so they can bring their hearts and minds present. Once they get to the altar, all the bride and groom really need to do is to look into the eyes of their beloved and just breath and feel the joy in their hearts. What a magnificent moment in life, and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about your hair or find yourself overcome with nerves.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other on your wedding day is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment together. You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together in marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives, or whether or not Uncle Joe arrived on time. Just be sure that you are there and fully present in your loving.

9. Remember that your wedding day has only twenty-four hours.

While this is one of the most important days of your life, it only has twenty-four hours like any other day and will come and go before you know it. Keep that in perspective. The more you obsess about your wedding, the less you are likely to enjoy it. Have fun planning your special day, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it the most perfect and spectacular wedding that has ever existed on planet earth.

Enjoy discovering and expressing what aspects of your wedding day are truly important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Just remember, this is not an Olympic event. It is the celebration of your commitment to each other and the beginning of your journey together as husband and wife. Have a heartfelt and delightful day.

Don’t set yourselves up for disappointment by buying into unrealistic expectations and then falling into post-wedding depression because the day has passed and you are no longer the king and queen for the day. Your wedding day is not about seeing how much money you can spend on a blowout party. It is meant to be a gathering of loved ones to witness and celebrate your union and to launch you into your life together as husband and wife. That brief fifteen to twenty minutes called your wedding ceremony is what the day is all about – your entrance into the sacred and joyous covenant of marriage. Then you party, and then you have the rest of your lives together to fulfill your vows by loving, honoring, and cherishing each other.

10. Delegate, have fun, and keep your sense of humor.

When all is said and done, your wedding ceremony is what your entire wedding day is. Do plan ahead, paying careful attention to the details, and delegate implementation of your wishes to trusted friends, family, and professionals. Once you have set your plans in motion, let them go. Do not carry them with you throughout your wedding day, comparing what actually happens to what was on your list. What you planned for was your image of perfection, which is never entirely what actually happens. Remember to keep your sense of humor handy and to enjoy the serendipity as it unfolds. Be open to the unexpected blessings and surprises that are sure to come your way. May you and your marriage be blessed in all ways, always.

Reverend Judith Johnson is an ecumenical minister ordained in 1985 and living in Rhinebeck, N.Y.

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